I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
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How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
no such thing as a dumb question
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.