$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
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People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick