SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
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With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My teenage children choosing violence
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
What kind of a cult is this?