proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
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her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot