FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
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Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
We’re all getting idioter.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that