What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
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Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
All is fair in drunk and war.