I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
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Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.