I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
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She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.