Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
You Might Also Like
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
A Short Story.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.