Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
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Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
God has left this place
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.