If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
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Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Death certificates are our last participation award.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account