Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
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kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
This 4th of July, please remember…
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Cheer up.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..