Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
You Might Also Like
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.