once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
You Might Also Like
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole