He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
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I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
“The Perfect Relationship”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
where’s Godzilla when we need him