My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
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Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
They grow up so quick
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*