Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
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Generation gap…
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door