[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
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I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.