When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
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make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you