30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
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Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.