It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
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🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
😂😂
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
*weighs self after shaving
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.