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I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore