some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
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Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills