Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
You Might Also Like
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.