The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
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Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.