@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
You Might Also Like
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”