Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
You Might Also Like
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Friends that check up on you >
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Stop making fast and furious movies.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Intelligence is the new cleavage