Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
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Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Just how popey was the pope today?
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.