Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
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customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
🙅🏻
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.