Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
You Might Also Like
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.