If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
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i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
*puts cutlery down*
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.