Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
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I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Great Canadian literature.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me