Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
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Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal