“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
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[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
What a website
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great