Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
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Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day