Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
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My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?