Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
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My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane