Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
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Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip