You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
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A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Science memes
Erm…
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
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