Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
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I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
An odd boast
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Favourite diary entry ever
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem