what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
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Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once