*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
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Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise