So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.