*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
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Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
ouch
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house