My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
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You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Muppet Screams
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.