What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
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Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”