[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
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I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
#oldknees
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.