[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
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Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
$4 #usedbooks
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.