Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
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three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(