Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
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Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”